I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.