Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’