*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
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dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
no!! no!!!!!!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*