*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
BaD BoY!!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.