Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
U talkin 2 me?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.