I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec