There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
You Might Also Like
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
58.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.