They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
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Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
This is amazing.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this