Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad