Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower