Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?