I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.