Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
what could possibly go wrong?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce