News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.
Nice eyebrows girlfriend. I didn’t know they made Sharpies in that color.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?
I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.
There are 2 kinds of people:
1) Happy morning people
2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.