If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You Might Also Like
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
lmao
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?