When I laugh on my period
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My typo game is string.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.