If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
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Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power