We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.