My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.