You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”