SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn't pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
@SondraDeeMe: As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
@SondraDeeMe: Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food.
I smell my neighbor's barbecuing ribs and invite myself over.
@SondraDeeMe: I'm the only woman at this baby shower who doesn't have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
@SondraDeeMe: Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I'm only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
@SondraDeeMe: I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
@SondraDeeMe: [first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing
[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
@SondraDeeMe: When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you're smiling. No one's happy when you have gas.