Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SondraDeeMe's best tweets

@SondraDeeMe : I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

@SondraDeeMe: [first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

@SondraDeeMe: When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you're smiling. No one's happy when you have gas.

@SondraDeeMe: PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we're cool.

@SondraDeeMe: [1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn't raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

@SondraDeeMe: For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

@SondraDeeMe: We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

@SondraDeeMe: My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

@SondraDeeMe: [at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

@SondraDeeMe: [HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!