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Page of SondraDeeMe's best tweets

@SondraDeeMe : [dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

@SondraDeeMe: [dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn't pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

@SondraDeeMe: As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

@SondraDeeMe: Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food.

I smell my neighbor's barbecuing ribs and invite myself over.

It's survival.

@SondraDeeMe: I'm the only woman at this baby shower who doesn't have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

@SondraDeeMe: Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

@SondraDeeMe: [babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I'm only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

@SondraDeeMe: I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

@SondraDeeMe: [first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

@SondraDeeMe: When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you're smiling. No one's happy when you have gas.