Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.