[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.