[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
When ur friends with white people
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…