Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
You Might Also Like
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter