Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks