@Sorrowscopes: Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
@Sorrowscopes: Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
@Sorrowscopes: Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
@Sorrowscopes: Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
@Sorrowscopes: Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
@Sorrowscopes: Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what's left of Gary.
@Sorrowscopes: Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
@Sorrowscopes: Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
@Sorrowscopes: Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.