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Page of Sorrowscopes's best tweets

@Sorrowscopes : Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

@Sorrowscopes: Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

@Sorrowscopes: Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

@Sorrowscopes: Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

@Sorrowscopes: Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@Sorrowscopes: Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

@Sorrowscopes: Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

@Sorrowscopes: Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what's left of Gary.

@Sorrowscopes: Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

@Sorrowscopes: Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.