Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.