Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Libra: You wake up fastened to a wooden stake. People in goat masks are dancing around a bonfire. We’ll be honest. Things don’t look good.