I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 馃槈
P: can’t. Kidnapped 馃檨
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.