@SortaBad

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

@SortaBad

I’ve been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me

@SortaBad

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

@SortaBad

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

@SortaBad

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

@SortaBad

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

@SortaBad

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

@SortaBad

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

@SortaBad

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

@SortaBad

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you