Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
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*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.