First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.