@SortaBad: ME: What do you recommend? It's our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
@SortaBad: Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
@SortaBad: We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
@SortaBad: [returns from Costco]
"Honey you didn't get stuff we don't need, did you?"
"Of course not babe"
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
@SortaBad: If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything's cool
@SortaBad: [debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will 'hurt badly the growth' - how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could...take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
@SortaBad: The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners