@SortaBad

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

@SortaBad

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

@SortaBad

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

@SortaBad

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

@SortaBad

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

@SortaBad

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@SortaBad

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

@SortaBad

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever