Happy thanksgiving
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
No laws when master is gone
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town