Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
You Might Also Like
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.