When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has