On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
as is their right
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
#inspiration #foodforthought
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.