Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can’t remember why I stood up.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.