@Spaced_Cowboy00

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can’t remember why I stood up.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.