People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.