@SpenceDen

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

@SpenceDen

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

@SpenceDen

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

@SpenceDen

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

@SpenceDen

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

@SpenceDen

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

@SpenceDen

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a souffl√©.

@SpenceDen

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”