“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…