Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials