Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.