Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I have obtained a hat
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Look at this