A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Something Saturday.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Finally
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.