her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
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Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.