Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
So we got a goldfish…
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars