Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Milk Cube
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?