Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
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‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”