A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*