[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Practicing safe sax
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.