Oh boy, $150,000!
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*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Hero horse inspires millions
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.